Beauty from Ashes (of a broken heart)

A memory popped up today on Facebook. I looked at the picture and felt only peace and sweet memories, looking at me standing there with my friends at a Gospel Music workshop we had worked together in Poland that weekend. It took me a moment to even remember just how painful that weekend had been for me. 17 years ago, I was reeling from a broken heart that weekend. Just days before, a boy who had said to me, "I've prayed for a long time for the right woman, and I really think you're it," had suddenly ended it in a text message saying it wasn't going anywhere.

The "relationship" (if we could even call it that) had been 3 short-lived weeks of walks in the park, meandering down cobblestone streets, having long conversations and feelings of hope and excitement that God had heard and answered my prayers with the "right" guy. When it ended as suddenly as it started, with no explanation, I was left reeling mostly because my faith was on the line.

I had trusted God. He alone had known that I'd liked that boy for months. God alone heard my prayers that I wasn't going to get caught up in any stupid emotions unless that boy's words told me there was something to them. So when that boy's words told me exactly that- I believed it was God telling me, "Yep, here's the guy." But that weekend, I felt like God had cruelly played a game with my heart; dangled something in front of me and just as I dared reach for it, He snatched it away and laughed in my face, saying, "Nope- you don't get this. You don't deserve Love. You don't deserve happiness."

I know it sounds so dumb now to say that, knowing the full story of how God has faithfully protected my heart time and time again until the right man genuinely did step into my life and pursue me. But in that season, my faith took a huge hit. I started to doubt if I could trust God with my heart. I started to doubt if I could trust God at all.

It took me almost a year to recover from that heartbreak. Not because of the guy. But because of the chain reaction it had with my faith. My answer was to dig deeply into scriptures, searching for reassurance of the Father's love for me, searching for reassurance that others before me had gone through heartbreak and had come out stronger. The scriptures are full of those reassurances! This was the season that the term, "He makes beauty from ashes" became a mantra of mine. I clung to that hope and can now look back and see the realization of that hope.

When I was 19 years old, I'd prayed asking God to never allow me to fall in love again until it was the right guy- because I had learned the painful truth that you CAN fall in love with the wrong person. And I never wanted to do that again. Looking back, I can see how God honored that prayer time and time again. He allowed several of my crushes to pan out just enough to show me the guy was not who I'd thought he was. But until my husband came along, God shooed every other guy away before I got deep enough in to actually fall in love. Did you hear that? God Loves me SO MUCH that He protected me- even when that protection felt like betrayal and abandonment.

Don't give up on God when it feels like He doesn't care. Challenge Him. Scream at Him, accuse Him, journal it out and SEEK ANSWERS from Him. Don't just walk away. Stay engaged in that challenge until you get to the other side of it, where you will come out with a faith standing on such a strong foundation of healing and truth and understanding God's character and seeing His answers come true. God is "man enough" to take our doubts. And then He turns them into faith even more powerful.